The Ex-Factor
Song of Reference: Ex-Factor- Lauryn Hill
Can I even consider you an ex? We played that gray area for our entire "relationship", me always wanting more and you somehow convincing me what we had was enough. I was young and very dumb, picking petals off of flowers swearing that you loved me and disregarding the many "love me nots". A tender, light-hearted, 20 year old getting caught up with the likes of you. Not knowing that I would fall deeply under your spell, serving you my heart on a silver platter, and swearing life just wouldn't be right if you weren't in it. I sabotaged my own 'relationships', dating other men but swearing there was just something they lacked because, well, they weren't you; and every time I was ready to come back, there you were with open arms so graciously forgetting that I even tried to move on.
I look back now and call myself pathetic, I was naive turning away good for someone who treated me mediocre. You caught me at a time in my life where I was unsure of the love I had for myself let alone the feelings of others. You however, were desirable. I thought you were a rose among thorns, a beautiful soul, hard to be picked. Though it took me quite some time I came to realize that you were just a weed, plentiful in the garden, easily and quickly picked but never proving to be fruitful. You brought temporary moments of happiness that are outweighed by the turmoil, self-doubt and heartache you also pushed into my life.
I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for the time I allowed you to waste. For continuing to let you take up wanted space. For becoming so complacent with whatever it was we were doing that I figured out my future with you in it. It is so coincidental that right before it all went to shit, life seemed pretty perfect. We were happy, and FINALLY you decided to solidify my position in your life as something more than just sex. We we're on the right path. But, the way I was able to break free from whatever conjuring you had put on my spirit was life changing for me.
I would like to thank you for showing me all the ways I shouldn't be treated; for breaking me to the core so that I was forced to rebuild. I move differently now, I am more discerning with the energy and love I give and accept into my life. Most importantly I love myself more than I probably ever have. So for that, you have truly been a blessing in disguise....
~XOXO Lyric
